Fatamorgana

I was a girl with small smile, sitting on the bench ahead of the pastory.

You came late on that sunday, with sweaty hand in the midst of flaming Medan.

You took yourself beside me, smile and talked about Indonesian economy. It was when the pastor held forth with his purple froack. I was smiling, a small and thin smile again, and again. You kept talking about economy, again and again. And the pastor kept talking about sinner, oh boy, it could be us (the two human kept murmuring on sunday praying).

Out of blue, i asked a stupid question. ” Do you believe in God?”

You laughed, hold your voice on the tip of your tongue.

I  constrained my voice..exactly on the tip of my lips.

” What are we doing here now?” you asked.

” I dont know, i am here because this is the only way for me to have a chance to talk with you”

You went silent, the pastor stared at us. His eyes went to left as we stared him back.

” The question you have asking me went through to the core our presence, being here”you said.

I was dazed, the pastor looked fluctuate and my hands became numbness.

” I think it will be nice to know a girl with wide economy insight. I mean, for example a girl who working for Economy media or Economy department” you added.

” Why? What the special thing from those kinda girl?”

” Nothing, but it just makes me feel enthusiastic lately” you said.

The pastor took his voice louder, maybe he wanted to throw the microphone on to us.

” So, you do not believe in God” i said.

You went silent and stared at your fingers

”If so, why are you here, at this moment? i asked.

” Dont take this seriously, take this as a pleasure moment” you said.

(In that time, in my little machine called a heart, i am screaming, screaming like i am on the edge of the coast. Pleasure, what the hell of pleasure!!!?? I came along from capital city, i sent a message with many smiles emoticon, i asked you to have sunday time in your favorite small church and i have been here a half hour earlier with fully excitement and you came late about fifteen minutes with  stupid economy conversation, and you want me to take this as a pleasure) But sure, those words were real only in my small machine. I had long long silent.

Now, three years later. I am working in economy department. I have been writing about Indonesian economy since the pleasure stupid conversation in the church.

Out of blue, one hour ago we met in coffee shop near my flat.

You just came back from Germany, two years scholarship.

I have been keeping myself calm since then. Inside of my small machine, i had plenty questions.

I had my sumatran mandheling coffee and you had your, which it is gayo coffee.

The song from Vence Joy ”Riptide” was playing from the corner music speaker.

” Do you know? i will have my wedding party in two months” you said.

The cold coffee shop went freezing, the others visitors looked freezing, my eyeball went spinning to hold the tear, i took a sip of my coffee. A slight bit glimpse of wind came for a second and i am given strength out of nowhere.

” Ah, congratulation. I will come if i am not busy and of course if i have flight budget to Medan” i said.

” Please, dont take this seriously, this time in this coffee shop, the conversation we had in university and in other places, just come to my wedding party” you added.

” I will come, if i have flight budget” i said.

” You are the sweetest girl, like my sister” you said

” Oke, dont pity me. I am fine. I thought you are lighthouse of mine. Then this last minutes, i have been realized since the last word of your that you never see me. Sister? i am not that sweet, and never be that sweet. I love the way you encouraged me in university and it brought me to see you as a my lighthouse, but i have finally know at this moment i am wrong, you were only fatamorgana. You were shining everywhere but never be here with me….so it was hurting me before and i am not trying to make myself feel better but i am feeling relieved now, at least i knew the truth.”

” I trust you” you added

( Inspiration by one of very warming and enlight conversation i had with one of my sweet bestfriend, and she is working in economy region)

Art Cafe Sanur, February 04 2017